I just threw up on my dentist
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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