Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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