I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
