cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
