Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
