I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
