What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize