dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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