Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
