just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
