I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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