Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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