Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
