If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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