Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
