AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
