can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
