Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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