Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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