Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
two words...techno handjob
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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