and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
