I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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