Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
