Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
