I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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