I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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