I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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