I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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