I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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