he wants to bone in the snuggie
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I AM VODKA MAN
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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