Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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