Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
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