She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize