woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
