I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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