When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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