It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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