Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
