I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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