Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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