last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
