So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
