I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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