so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
