I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
