Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
