Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
