oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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