i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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