I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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