fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
barbara walters just said penis...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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