she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
