i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
