I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
