Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
