can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
