and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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