While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
