At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize