as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize