You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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