2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
