Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Found your dick twin last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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