I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
