I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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